


Lipstick Lesbians

by thealpacalypse



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Angst, Bisexual Character, Drama & Romance, Emetophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other, Pansexual Character, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-07 00:24:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11612079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealpacalypse/pseuds/thealpacalypse
Summary: "What happened to your red lipstick? You're never wearing it these days."Eva loves Noora's red lipstick and she's sad that Noora never wears it anymore. Noora loves seeing her lipstick on Eva, but isn't too happy that Eva gets it all over Vilde's face. Vilde is definitely not a lesbian, or so she says, even though Sana is pretty sure they're all gayer than initially planned. Chris doesn't even like lipstick, but someone keeps on leaving lipstick marks on her neck. In the end, it's not about the makeup or the labels or the deeply internalized homophobia - it's about kicking William in the nuts and getting to kiss the girl you love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm completely sorry for this summary, which makes the story sound like it's pure crack, but I swear to you it isn't!!!! Please don't go away? This is what this fic is actually about: Once upon a time, I watched Skam S1 and fell in love with Noora. Then I watched Skam S2 and it was the worst thing I ever had to see with my own two eyes, and I immediately began writing an AU of it in my head, where William's abuse got actually pointed out as the gross and creepy stuff it was, and where Noora and Eva actually fell in love instead. (If you don't agree that W. is an abusive creep, leave this fic right now. Do not interact, just go.)
> 
> This is kind of that alternative S2, but also not, because I couldn't bring myself to go back and watch enough of S2 to get all the details right, so it'll be loosely based on that. Be aware though that this fic will contain emotional abuse tactics and sexual harassment, as well as dealing with the trauma resulting from it. It'll also contain some other possibly triggering things, I'll try to include a tw at the beginning of every chapter with such content. Let me know if you need something tagged as this fic moves along.
> 
> Here's a shoutout to [Ellie](http://rumpelsnorcack.tumblr.com/) for being my beta and to [Kit](http://trouserroles.tumblr.com) for flailing with me about these girls and this show and who provided some excellent soundtrack ideas to this. Thank you!!

“What happened to your red lipstick?“ Eva asks one Thursday afternoon. They’re in Eva’s room, picking out a dress for some weekend thing, what exactly, Noora has already forgotten. She’s forgetting a lot of things these days.

 

“Hmm?” she replies, looking up from her phone. There are eight messages from William, again. She doesn’t read them.

 

Eva is holding up a green dress that looks sharp and kind of sophisticated, Noora thinks; she likes it. “Your red lipstick. You’re never wearing it these days.”

 

Noora’s stomach drops. “I don’t know. Does it matter?” she bites out. She can hear how angry and defensive it sounds, but she can’t help it. It’s better for her to not dig deeper into things like that; it only makes her feel worse about, well. Everything. She hates that this affects her so much, hates seeing herself change. Change sucks. Noora liked herself before. Now, she’s not so sure.

 

There’s this look in Eva’s eyes, kind of curious and pitying and apologetic at the same time. “No, I just meant… can I borrow it tomorrow night?”

 

Immediately, Noora regrets that she snapped at Eva. “Oh,” she quietly replies, “yeah, sure. It’ll look cute with the dress.”

 

She tries not to blush then. _Cute_. Did she really have to say that? Eva won’t even notice, Noora is sure. Still, Noora can’t look at her, because no matter what, Eva can’t see. She can’t know.

 

Later, when Noora looks up, Eva has slipped into the dress and spins around. Her eyes are bright, her hair looks almost red in contrast, like the light of the afternoon sun on autumn leaves. Fuck, Noora is so far gone.

 

“What do you think?” Eva asks. Her smile says she knows exactly how great she looks.

 

Noora smiles back. It’s perfect, she wants to say, but then her phone buzzes and there’s a ninth message from William. Forcing herself to look away, to keep smiling, she finally says, “Jonas is going to love it.” She makes her voice sound sweet and puts that mischievous gleam in her eye, and it works: Eva laughs.

 

And just like that, Noora can go on for a little longer.

 

“You’re silly,” Eva giggles. “You know I’m just friends with him now.”

 

Noora rolls her eyes but grins at Eva. “Sure you are.” It stings a little, but Noora is too used to the feeling to really care.

 

Eva bites her lip, hiding a sheepish smile.

 

“Who are you trying to impress then?” Noora asks, because that much is certain: Eva in that dress is very impressive.

 

That’s when Eva blushes and turns away to look at herself in the mirror instead.

 

So there is someone else, Noora realizes. That thought stings more. Feelings for an ex-boyfriend are one thing, but feelings for someone new, that’s nothing Noora can compete against. Not that she could compete anyway.

 

Her phone buzzes. And doesn’t stop buzzing. William is calling her.

 

Noora gets up from Eva’s bed, grabs her jacket from the floor. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

 

“Oh, okay?” Eva makes it sound like a question. She turns around to look at Noora, fidgeting with the zipper at the side of the dress. “Is everything… umm, I’m sorry?”

 

The phone in Noora’s hand keeps on buzzing, and Noora begins to feel a little nauseous. She doesn’t have time to wonder what Eva is even apologizing for. “No,” she hurries to say, “I just forgot that I have to buy toilet paper. I promised Eskild and Linn.”

 

“Okay?” Again, it sounds like a question, and the way Eva looks at her makes Noora feel queasy. She has to get out of here. She has to – and the damn phone keeps on buzzing. Doesn’t she have a mailbox? Eva offers to walk her to the door, but Noora just shakes her head, hugs her goodbye, and gets out of there as quickly as she can.

 

She’s already out of the house when the call finally stops.

 

Noora lets out a shaky breath and starts walking. And walking is good, makes her feel less nauseous and restless, and she’s beginning to think that she overreacted –

 

but then her phone buzzes again, once more. A message from William. This time she reads it.

 

_“How much longer do you want to play this little game? You know what you want. Come and get it, tomorrow night at the Penetrators fundraiser. I’m waiting.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About what girls are supposed to be, but Eva isn't. Aka: is it getting gay in here or is that just Eva?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to [thegingerhalf](http://thegingerhalf.tumblr.com/) for jumping aboard the "screaming with me about my own fic" train, ilu friend! <3 shoutout also to the three lovely people who commented on my fic, I'm always delighted to get comments! also, @niuniujiaojiao (why am i not surprised to see so many webseries people in the skam fandom) : aaaaahhhh i'm happy to supply some Nooreva and Chrisana goodness!! i gotta say though, from the way it looks, Sana and Chris will be more in the background, i'm sorry. I do have a fully developed headcanon for them though, so with some enouragement i might be able to write a spinoff for them once this is done!
> 
> okay, enough babbling, let's continue! the next chapter should be here by Tuesday, kick my butt if it isn't. Trigger warning for this chapter is underage drinking.

Everyone keeps on asking, but yes, Eva is fine. Yes, she’s okay with Jonas hooking up with other girls. Yes, she’s really just friends with him now. Eva is absolutely okay with that.

 

The thing is… the more people keep on bringing it up, the more Eva wonders. Why is she okay? Shouldn’t she be upset? Because everyone keeps on telling her, girls who break up with their boyfriends should be upset. Girls who still want to hang out with their ex-boyfriends are secretly hung up on them. Girls should be jealous when their ex-boyfriends are hooking up with other girls. Girls should be. So why isn’t Eva?

 

Truth be told, she tells Eskild that night she crashes at the flat with a strange dude whose name starts with H, truth be told, Eva knows why. She knows the only explanation is that she maybe wasn’t in love with Jonas after all. That they always have been friends. That that’s what she wanted all along.

 

“But if that wasn’t love,” she asks Eskild, drunk out of her mind, slumped heavily against his shoulder, “what does love even feel like?”

 

Eskild, equally drunk, and inexplicably half naked, plays with her hair and gives her a knowing smile. And then he says a few things Eva doesn’t quite remember later on, and then she replies with something that has slipped from her memory as well, and then – weirdly enough, Eva remembers this in detail, from the exact words to the way Eskild’s lips curled into a smirk – then Eskild says, “Maybe you like girls.”

 

And that’s what Eva can’t stop thinking about, every time anyone brings up Jonas.

 

“It’s absurd,” she tells Eskild immediately, and “it doesn’t make any sense,” she texts him a few days later. Once, Noora said something about gay people automatically assuming that everyone else must be gay as well, and yeah, Eva thinks, that’s probably why Eskild said that.

 

But then Noora is in Eva’s bedroom and somehow Eva’s heart beats louder when she undresses in front of Noora to put on the green dress. She doesn’t have to try it on for the party, not really, she already decided to wear it when she bought it online the week before. But she needs Noora to approve. Somehow, she wants Noora to see, and to… understand?

 

“Who are you trying to impress then?” Noora asks, and Eva, out of impulse, thinks, _you_. Because who else? When they’re pre-gaming and Eva gets out all her best dance moves, there’s no Jonas. When they’re at the cabin and Sana and Chris are fucking with them, and Eva tries to maintain at least some dignity, there’s no Jonas. When she invites Noora to her bedroom to look at her dress for the party, there’s only this:

 

Noora. Eva. And the weird lightness in Eva’s chest.

 

“Fuck, what have you done,” she writes in a message to Eskild she never sends.

 

They meet at the flat before the Penetrators party on Friday. Eva is glad that Eskild isn’t there, because she’s sure he’d know if he looked at her. Eva feels like everyone knows when they look at her.

 

It’s funny, because she herself doesn’t quite know anything yet. Or rather, she knows a lot of things, she just hasn’t learnt how to think about them yet, how to turn feelings into words.

 

It’s just that she gets weirdly aware of her own breathing, and swallowing, and blinking when she’s around Noora. Aware of her whole body. She’s trying to find signs, trying to make sense, but it’s all out of order, everything just out of reach. Like the words are missing. Like there are no words.

 

Only because Eva is so distracted by all of it, it takes her an hour to realize that Noora is rather quiet herself. She seems pale, and she’s not wearing any lipstick.

 

“Can we leave now?” Vilde is very eager – she’s convinced she’s going to finally get her chance with William tonight. The girls get up, and everyone gets their things. Eva holds onto a bottle of bubbly because she’s afraid she’ll drown in Noora’s sadness otherwise. Now that she’s noticed it, she can’t look away. Noora looks so lost, it seems strange to think that she’s actually physically there.

 

They’re already halfway out of the door when Eva remembers.

 

“Wait!” she grabs Noora’s arm and Noora actually flinches. Eva feels horrible and lets go immediately. The others turn back to look at them.

 

“You promised me your lipstick for tonight, remember?” Eva asks. To the others, she explains over her shoulder, “the red one. It’s important.”

 

Vilde rolls her eyes and sighs. “Guys, come on, it’s important that we’re there on time!”

 

Eva makes a dismissive hand gesture. “Okay, sure, you guys go, we’ll catch up in a minute.”

 

And then, just like that, it’s only Noora and Eva again.

 

A lot of feelings are bubbling up inside of Eva, or maybe that’s just the champagne. Noora doesn’t look at her when she goes to her room, so Eva quietly follows her. The lipstick is where it always is, on the small silver plate where Eva has seen it hundreds of times before Noora took it and put it on; before school, before a party, before getting coffees with the girls, anytime.

 

Eva takes it and puts it on. Her reflection in the mirror looks strange, like she’s a different person now. She’s not really sure if this red is her tone, but she likes it.

 

She smacks her lips for a few times before she gives the lipstick back to Noora. Noora puts it back on the plate. “Are you sure you don’t want to put it on?” Eva asks. Noora shakes her head.

 

They are quiet for a moment. Noora looks so tired. Eva keeps on noticing how tired.

 

“And do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?” Noora shakes her head again.

 

“Come on, we have to catch up with the others,” she says, and then, suddenly, “oh, you’ve got –“ She reaches out and cups Eva’s face with her hand, using her thumb to wipe away some lipstick from just above Eva’s lip.

 

It makes Eva’s heart race.

 

“God, I’m already drunk.” It’s a lame excuse and her voice is shaking.

 

Noora drops her hand and smiles, then steps back and towards the door. “Come on.”

 

Eva wishes she had done at least one of the things that were racing through her brain just now. Her head is still spinning when they walk down the street next to each other, quietly. Eva is glad for the champagne – it gives her something to do, and something to hold on to.

 

Of course they don’t catch up with the others: they’re nowhere to be seen by the time Noora and Eva arrive outside of the party.

 

That’s when Noora suddenly stops and turns around to look at Eva. “Listen, I gotta tell you something.”

 

Eva’s stomach drops, and her chest does that weird thing again where it feels lighter than it makes sense. She collects and catalogues these feelings to take a better look at them later, when she’s less drunk and less distracted by Noora’s eyes on her.

 

Noora presses her lips together, swallows, and then begins, “I was hoping Jonas would tell you this himself, but he hasn’t, and I wouldn’t want for you to get hurt because you didn’t know – Jonas has a new girlfriend. He got together with her over the break, and they’re probably here tonight. I’m sorry.”

 

This is not what Eva expected. Her first impulse is to be happy for Jonas, but then she remembers that she’s supposed to be upset, girls are supposed to be upset over this. And she searches and searches for that feeling inside of her, but it’s not there. Girls are supposed to. But Eva isn’t.

 

“Are you okay?” Noora asks cautiously.

 

And it’s the truth, like always, when Eva replies, “yes, I’m fine! We’re just friends, I told you!”

 

She can see that Noora doesn’t believe her from the pity in her eyes, and that weird, distant look Noora always gets when it’s about Eva and Jonas.

 

“You’re allowed to be upset, you know?”

 

“I’m not.” Girls should be upset, but Eva is not. Her head spirals around that thought over and over again; spirals because it’s so simple, but it took her so long to understand, and again and again because she’s still trying to find words.

 

She doesn’t find any, but instead she stumbles over the impulse to hug Noora, and she has to hold onto Noora to catch herself. Just for a short moment.

 

Then she takes a deep breath, takes a sip from her bottle, and throws herself into the party, Noora right behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things you shouldn't have to go through alone. Being cornered by a creepy guy who tries to manipulate you into dating him is definitely one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter include drunk teenagers, but most of all, William being a gross, manipulative fucker. This was supposed to mirror the scene from the actual episode, but I couldn't bring myself to rewatch it to get it right, so please accept my artistic freedom. Also, watch me being salty af about the fact that the show isolated Noora from her friends in horrible moments like these. 
> 
> This chapter is pretty tough, please take care while reading it. I promise, from here on in, there won't be much W. anymore, and instead a lot more comfort and that good gay shit.
> 
> PS: Sorry it took me so long to upload this, I currently live in a flat without internet and I barely get the chance to be online at all. I'll try to post the next chapter at the end of the week though, so keep an eye open for that!

 Noora doesn’t want to be here.

 

It’s crowded and everyone is drunk, and Noora thinks it’d be easier to endure if she was drunk herself, but she doesn’t trust herself around alcohol right now. Or rather, she doesn’t trust other people. She spends half of her time scanning the room looking for William, staring at him, and wondering how she ever got into this mess. And how he seems like such a normal boy, and how everyone else seems to see a normal boy. She spends the other half watching how Eva gets increasingly drunk. And increasingly clingy. And talking more and more about Jonas.

 

When she can’t take it anymore, she shoves Eva at Vilde and goes outside. Fresh air always helps.

 

There are six new messages from William.

 

_“You look fucking hot in those shorts”_

_“such a tease ;)”_

_“admit it, you dressed up for me”_

_“I see you looking at me”_

_“why don’t you just come over and we have a little chat ;)”_

_“I won’t wait all night…”_

 

Noora’s hands are shaking by the time she read all of this.

 

And then William is there, standing right in front of her. Smirking.

 

“Told you I wouldn’t wait forever,” he grins. And winks at her.

 

Noora freezes. She just shuts down completely, and that always happens, and it’s the worst, because just a second ago she was so full of rage and disgust and of so many words she wanted to throw at William. Now she’s empty, and so fucking small.

 

“Leave me alone,” she says, but it sounds weak, like she doesn’t really mean it.

 

William sighs and shakes his head. “But that’s not what you really want, is it? You were making heart eyes at me all night long, don’t pretend you didn’t, I saw it.”

 

Noora can’t say anything. What’s the point in denying? He saw her staring.

 

He comes a step closer. “Listen, I know we’re both tired of this silly game. Let’s be really honest here, okay? Noora, I want you. And I know you want me, too. But if you look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t like me? I’ll walk away and I won’t ever bother you again. I’ll walk right out of your life.”

 

It should feel like a relief. It should be the easiest fucking thing in the world to tell him exactly that, because it’s the truth. So then why does it feel like she might choke on the words?

 

She takes a few shaking breaths, doesn’t look at him. Feels like she can’t. Repeats quietly, “Leave me alone.”

 

He chuckles. “See? I knew you couldn’t.”

 

Noora feels paper-thin. She wants to try again, wants to tell him where she’ll kick him if he doesn’t fuck off right now, but instead she almost starts crying.

 

And then she sees movement out of the corner of her eye, and her head immediately snaps into that direction. Sana and Chris are stepping outside, walking directly towards her.

 

Noora closes her eyes, takes another shaky breath, and looks William in the eyes. He looks so amused. She presses her nails into her palms, and her voice sounds almost calm when she says, “I want you to fuck right off because I don’t like you, I never liked you, and it’s fucked up of you to think I ever did.”

 

She’s glad she’s looking at William for this, because now she can finally see his face fall, if only for a second. It’s worth it.

 

Then she steps back and makes eye contact with Sana who is almost next to her now.

 

“Is everything alright?” Sana asks. Noora feels Sana’s hand in her own, and then Chris is on her other side, putting a hand on Noora’s shoulder.

 

Noora feels dizzy, a little lightheaded maybe, but she nods. “It is now,” she says. “Wilhelm is just leaving.”

 

This isn’t the end, she can see it in the way William looks at her when he walks away without another word. Noora’s eyes follow him until he’s out of sight.

 

Then she cries.

 

But it’s okay, because Sana and Chris are holding her, and they listen quietly when Noora tells them everything. Well, mostly quietly – Chris apparently can’t help but to throw in a couple of “fuck”s and “that fucker”s. Somehow she ends up sitting on the ground, leaning against a wall, Sana on her left with an arm around Noora’s shoulder, Chris on her right, offering her a cigarette.

 

“No, thanks,” Noora shakes her head. Everything seems much messier now, but much easier to clean up at the same time. She can’t even imagine what would have happened if she’d have had to go through that moment alone.

 

“So, what now?” Chris asks.

 

She has offered before to kick William’s ass, and Noora can see that’s she’s eager to get to it right now if that’s what Noora wants. It almost makes her smile. “I think I wanna go home.” Chris nods, but looks a little disappointed.

 

“Alright,” Sana agrees, “but we have to get Eva and Vilde out of there as well, I think.” She exchanges a funny look with Chris; Chris snorts and hides a giggle behind her cigarette.

 

Noora looks from Chris to Sana and back again. “What’s going on?” Suddenly she feels guilty – she saw how drunk Eva was getting, she shouldn’t have left her alone. But whatever it is about Eva and Vilde, Sana and Chris don’t seem too worried about it. Chris just nods, grins, and shrugs. Sana looks very amused.

 

“Come on, tell me, what’s going on!” Noora feels the silliness of the whole situation rubbing off a little on her, and maybe that’s just the relief spreading in her chest, but she feels a giggle bubbling up in her throat.

 

Sana smirks. “They were making out.”

 

Noora’s giggle turns into a short, high-pitched laugh. “What?!”

 

Chris still grins and shrugs again. “I know, I wouldn’t have thought it either, but the more I watched them the less I was surprised. Kinda makes sense, don’t you think?”

 

Sana nods. Her dimples are showing.

 

Chris stares into the middle distance, shaking her head like the image is still alive in her head. “Dude, you should have seen them, they were making out in front of everyone. Making out doesn’t even begin to capture it though – damn, Noora, you should have seen, they were like hungry hyenas or, like –”

 

“Okay thanks,” Noora stops her. “I think I got the picture.” Her insides throw a mix of complicated, big feelings and thoughts at her brain, but this is not the right time to get into it, Noora decides. She gets up and extends a hand to both Sana and Chris.

 

“Let’s bring them home.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Eva is definitely too drunk to hit on the girl she likes, but not drunk enough to make her see how much she means it, and Noora seems kind of sad, but also genuinely glad that Eva is going home with her, there's bound to be a few unsaid things standing between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for more drunk teenagers, and emetophobia tw.
> 
> I promised it would get gayer from here on in, didn't I? And believe me, I'm very dedicated to the gayness. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Eva is _so_ drunk.

 

And it’s beginning to not be in that nice, everything-is-spinning-and-I’m-happy way anymore, but instead in the unstable, about-to-be-sick way. Oh whatever, who is she kidding, she already threw up twice, and she gets the feeling that maybe she has made more than a few bad decisions tonight.

 

But suddenly, there’s Noora and Sana picking her up from the floor? Dance floor? Somewhere? And Noora puts an arm around her waist to steady her, and Eva puts an arm around Noora’s shoulder because she desperately wants to, and wanted to all night.

 

She sees that Chris is more or less carrying Vilde; it looks absolutely ridiculous. Eva bursts out laughing. Vilde is close to tears. “I can’t go home like this,” she whispers over and over again, clinging onto Chris for dear life. How they’re all actually walking out of there, Eva can’t quite process it.

 

“No worries.” Chris pats Vilde’s head while trying to keep her moving. “We’ll go to my place. We can share my bed if you promise to not throw up on my face.”

 

“I promise, I promise,” Vilde whispers. Eva laughs again, because right now, Vilde doesn’t look like she’ll be able to keep that promise.

 

“But what about Eva?” Noora asks. That makes Eva’s chest fill with something, and that something is really nice, Eva decides.

 

“Oh, don’t worry,” she explains. Okay, maybe her voice sounds a little slurred. “My bike is just over…” she points somewhere, but then she realizes they’re not where she thought they were. “Hold on, where are we?” She narrows her eyes and looks around until she recognizes a street corner. “Oh!” she exclaims, “Oh, we’re not far from the flat! Noora, I’ll just crash on your couch, okay? You won’t even know I’m there! Remember that time I partied with Eskild and crashed on your couch with that guy, what was his name –”

 

“I need to sit,” Vilde suddenly interrupts her. She doesn’t look well.

 

They get to a bench and Vilde sits down, head between her knees. Chris sits next to her, patting her back. Sana and Noora take up the rest of the bench, so what is Eva to do? Sit on the floor? She would never be able to get up from the floor, everything is spinning. “Everything is spinning,” is the reasonable explanation she gives Sana and Noora before she sits on their laps. Kind of half on both of them. Kind of falling slightly to the left, so she rests her head against Vilde’s back.

 

“So, you two made out,” Chris suddenly says, grinning at Eva. Eva groans and tries to hide her face in Vilde’s back. She’s suddenly painfully aware of how much of her body weight rests on Noora’s lap.

 

“Oh God,” Vilde whispers, sounding terrified, “oh god oh god. It doesn’t – I mean I didn’t! It’s what girls do at parties, okay?! It doesn’t mean –”

 

Sana laughs, and Chris says, “relax, girl!” She holds Vilde’s hair back just in case Vilde needs to throw up. Sana adds, “Aren’t we all a little gayer than we initially planned?”

 

Eva feels caught, which is probably about right, because she made out with a girl not too long ago, and she’s thinking about going home with another girl right now.

 

Chris protests, gesticulating at herself, “Excuse me?! I planned out my gayness very carefully. You don’t get as queer as this by accident.” She sounds very offended.

 

“I’m not a lesbian,” Vilde whispers from between her knees.

 

Sana has the kindness not to laugh this time. “Alright, Vilde,” she says. She almost doesn’t sound sarcastic.

 

Eva really wishes Noora would say something. Noora stays silent.

 

When Vilde finally feels able to get up again, their ways part. Sana has to go in the same direction as Chris and Vilde, so she walks away with them, helping Chris out in keeping Vilde upright and moving.

 

That leaves Eva alone with Noora. They stand next to the park bench, looking around awkwardly. Eva feels weirdly sobered. She’s just about to explain to Noora that she can probably walk home now, because she feels bad for just inviting herself to crash at Noora’s place, but then Noora says, “so… let’s go?”

 

Something about her seems off, and Eva feels bad for not noticing before. Actually, Eva realizes, Noora looks like she cried before. She studies Noora’s face carefully, but she can’t really make sense of it.

 

She probably stared for too long, because Noora presses her lips together and says, “well, do you still wanna crash on my couch?”

 

And what surprises Eva, is that Noora sounds like she desperately wants Eva to say yes.

 

Eva blinks. “Yes,” she says. “Yeah, sure.”

 

They make their way to the flat in silence. Eva wishes she could go back to being very drunk, because then she could just throw her arm around Noora’s shoulder again, but now, she’s not brave enough anymore. They still walk very close though, Eva’s shoulder bumping against Noora’s, Noora’s hand hovering over Eva’s lower back, just in case Eva loses her balance. It’s nice.

 

When they reach the flat and Noora has to fumble for her keys in her bag, Eva leans forward and rests her forehead on Noora’s shoulder. She can see Noora smile, but in a sad way.

 

“Noora,” Eva whispers.

 

Noora doesn’t look at her, keeps on rummaging in her bag.

 

So Eva continues. “Nooooora, why are you so sad?”

 

Noora presses her lips together. She stays silent for a few moments, before she says, “I don’t want to talk about it right now.” She gently pushes Eva back to unlock the door, then guides her into the house, up the stairs, into the flat, into her room. They walk right past the couch Eva thought she was supposed to sleep on, and Noora steadies Eva’s arm as they sit down on Noora’s bed. Eva doesn’t trust her legs anymore, so she’s grateful for the help.

 

Noora gets a second bedding from her closet, puts it down next to Eva and turns back towards the closet. “Do you want a t-shirt to sleep in or something?” she asks without looking at Eva.

 

She still seems so sad, and Eva can’t take it, so she keeps on pushing. “But Noora, I don’t want you to be sad!”

 

Noora takes an oversized shirt out of the closet, and then she finally looks at Eva. “It’s… it’s going to be okay. I’m not sad, I’m just… I’m glad you’re here.”

 

Eva’s face lights up. “You are?” Her heart lights up as well.

 

And Noora nods and smiles, and it’s such a beautiful smile that Eva feels like she could die right now, because she won’t ever see anything as beautiful ever again.

 

Noora hands her the shirt. “What else do you need?” she asks, again not looking at Eva. “There’s a bottle of water on the nightstand, you should probably drink some of that before you go to sleep. There’s makeup remover over there, but I’ll have to go and check if we still have an extra toothbrush. You alright?”

 

Eva nods.

 

“I’ll be right back,” Noora says. She closes the door behind her when she leaves the room.

 

For a few moments, Eva sits and just looks around. She has been in Noora’s room so many times, but like this, in the half darkness, it looks even nicer than usual. It’s so Noora, from the pictures on the wall to the clothes on the chair in the corner, and even to the smell. Eva breathes in the smell. Then she gets out of her dress and into Noora’s shirt.

 

The feelings that flood through her are so intense, and it should be strange. It should be strange, because Eva never thought about the way she felt for Noora, and she never would have put a word like ‘love’ to it. And maybe she shouldn’t put a word like ‘love’ to it now, maybe that’d be way too fast for someone who doesn’t know what’s going on at all. But the way Noora’s shirt on her skin makes Eva feel, and all the things in her head make it difficult to imagine why she should slow down.

 

When Noora comes back, changed into a pair of pyjamas, handing a toothbrush to Eva, she says, “you should really take off that makeup.”

 

But Eva is tired, and she doesn’t see the point. She pouts. “But I like your lipstick on me.” It wasn’t intended to sound so flirty, but now it does, and Eva doesn’t regret it.

 

Noora’s face goes from startled to complicated to frowning. “Eva, come on, you’re drunk, trust me, you’re going to regret it in the morning. Anyway, the lipstick –”

 

She stops herself there, but Eva gets the feeling she can’t let her. “What?” she asks, and when Noora doesn’t answer immediately, “What about the lipstick?”

 

Noora sighs, grabs a makeup removal tissue herself and leans down to Eva to clean her face. “The lipstick is all gone anyway, since you had to pass it on to Vilde.”

 

“Oh yeah.” Eva has to giggle, partly because she still feels a bit silly for kissing Vilde, but mostly because Noora sounds so grumpy. “You seem jealous.”

 

Noora turns away to throw the tissue in the trash and grabs another one for herself. “Nonsense,” she says dismissively.

 

But Eva feels like she’s onto something here, and it makes her feel lightheaded and a little daring, so she continues. “You could kiss me, too, you know?” She feels her face get hot saying it, but she doesn’t regret it.

 

Noora lets her tissue sink, looks at Eva. Closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Eva, you’re super drunk, honestly. Just go brush your teeth because I can’t do that for you, and then let’s get some sleep. I’m tired.”

 

She turns away from Eva, fumbling around in the pile of laundry on the chair.

 

Now the regret begins to roll over Eva. She gets the feeling she’s going to be ashamed of so many things tomorrow morning. Grateful that Noora is making this easier for her, she holds on to the toothbrush and gets up.

 

“Thanks,” she mumbles. “I’ll be right back.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sharing a bed with the girl you love is a lot to deal with, especially if said girl is drunk and can't seem to stop hitting on you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is very short, more to come on Thursday! And believe it or not, but there are actually things getting resolved in the next one! and people are talking about stuff!! like can u believe??? so stay tuned!
> 
> oh, also I forgot to mention that this fic has an official playlist! It's called otp: lipstick lesbians and you can find it [here on spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/bibbsch/playlist/5Zg8hWDjvRDAQ2Ss1xAUIm)!

The moment Eva leaves the room, Noora turns off the light and crawls into bed, leaving as much space on her left as possible. She probably won’t be able to sleep anytime soon, but she hopes that pretending to sleep will at least help her to calm down a bit.

 

And what’s with, well, everything tonight? Noora doesn’t even know what’s going on anymore. Eva always excels in unravelling something inside of her, but tonight especially it seems like the universe wants to fuck with Noora. And it’s not even about the stuff earlier; William is only somewhere far in the back of Noora’s head. Right now, it’s easy to push the thought of him away, because Eva tends to take up Noora’s whole focus.

 

When Eva comes back into the room, Noora pretends to be about to fall asleep. In the darkness, Eva stumbles her way to the bed and manages to pull the blanket over herself. Then she turns to her side to face Noora.

 

It’s unfair because it’s so close to what Noora thinks could be perfect. But not like this. Not when Eva is just drunk and needy and hung up on Jonas.

 

But even though Noora doesn’t want it to, her heart beats a complicated rhythm when Eva looks at her like that.

 

“Hey,” Eva whispers. It still seems like flirting to Noora, and it’s almost too tempting to give in.

 

“Hi,” Noora whispers back, because the girl of her dreams is lying next to her in her bed, and said before that Noora could kiss her, and well, Noora is not that strong.

 

She wants to reach out a hand to put it in Eva’s hair, but she doesn’t. She can congratulate herself on that at least.

 

For a long moment, Eva looks like she wants to say something important, but then she seems to change her mind. “Thanks,” she just whispers, and smiles.

 

Noora smiles, too, and closes her eyes. “Of course,” she says.

 

Actually, she wants to say thank you herself, that she doesn’t have to be alone tonight, that Eva didn’t ask any questions about sharing a bed. Yes, Eva is the reason Noora is going to be able to sleep at all tonight, and Noora thinks that deserves at least a ‘thanks’. But the word is too big, it won’t get over Noora’s lips.

 

There are a few minutes of silence, the kind where you’re not sure if you should say something or just let it be, but eventually it seems like Eva has fallen asleep.

 

Noora turns to her side then to face the wall – looking at Eva is too complicated for her heart. Staring at the strangely illuminated shadows on her wall, created by the orange light of the street lamp outside of her window, she wishes for a softer universe. Too full of longing to sleep yet, she listens to the sound of her own heart beating, and curses the worst thing about this whole situation:

 

The hope.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eva might not have figured out herself completely yet, but she figures it's time to start telling people anyway. Maybe not necessarily at 4:34 am on a bathroom floor, but, you know. It's a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comment, kudos and bookmarks, you folks are lovely!
> 
> There's another tw for emetophobia for this chapter.

4:34 am. That’s the time on Noora’s alarm clock on the nightstand when Eva wakes up.

 

She feels sick, goose bumps all over her body. For a while, she just lies in the dark, listening to Noora’s breathing. She wishes she could have woken up curled into Noora’s side, wishes she had just innocently moved towards the warmth of Noora’s body in her sleep, without any intention or purpose. When she finally finds the energy, she gets up, goes to the bathroom, and throws up again. She feels better afterwards, sitting on the cold tile floor, humming some country song that’s stuck in her head.

 

She wants to text Vilde sorry for kissing her, but she doesn’t know where her phone is.

 

She wants for Eskild to walk in, so she can tell him he was right.

 

She wants to talk to Noora. Most of all, she wishes she could talk to Noora right now, because talking is always easier when it’s dark. She tries to imagine what she would say, and the scenarios that spin around in circles in her head make her so sleepy that she almost falls asleep right there.

 

Eventually, it’s Linn who walks into the bathroom and stares at her.

 

“Umm,” she says.

 

“Umm,” Eva says, scrambling to get up. There’s the faint sound of the _Friends_ theme song coming from Linn’s room, and for once, Linn doesn’t look half asleep.

 

“Insomnia,” she explains.

 

Eva nods, which makes her head hurt. She groans and rubs her eyes. “Hangover,” she explains.

 

“I guessed that much,” Linn says.

 

They both stand there, looking at each other in silence, and Eva feels like a silent agreement is made between them, though she’s is not sure what it is. And then, just because she feels like saying it out loud, she says, “I’m gay.”

 

Linn looks like she’s smiling, though Eva can’t be sure – she has never seen Linn smile. It’s nice. Pretty. “Nice,” Linn says, “same. Well, ace lesbian, but. Details. Nice.”

 

“That’s the most I ever heard you talk.” Eva hates that it sounds so rude when she was actually just surprised. She makes a vow to herself to get to know Linn better.

 

Linn shrugs awkwardly. “Well, I need to pee,” she says.

 

“Oh, shit, yeah of course,” Eva says. That was probably the reason why Linn was staring at her that whole time. But anyway, good talk. Good first coming out. Not like she imagined it, if she ever did imagine it. “Good night,” she says and does a weird little wave that she later regrets; but that’s her only regret about this situation, so it could be a lot worse.

 

She sneaks back into Noora’s room, empties the bottle of water on the nightstand, and crawls back into bed. It’s strange how familiar it seems, lying next to Noora in this bed, like they did many times before on movie nights, crushed between Vilde on one side of them and Chris and Sana on the other. But there’s nothing familiar about the soft blue light of the moon on Noora’s face, nor the way it makes Eva feel.

 

Noora makes a little sleepy sound, and it makes Eva’s heart skip a beat.

 

It takes a long time until she’s calm enough to slip back into sleep.

 

The next time she wakes up, it takes her a good couple of minutes before she can even open her eyes. When she finally does, the room is so bright with daylight that it hurts her eyes. Noora sits at the opposite side of the room, apparently doing laundry. She looks up when Eva groans miserably.

 

“I’m never drinking again,” she pouts, rolls to her side, and grabs a pillow to hug. Noora smiles at her and points towards the nightstand. “There’s some Ibux over there, and more water. Do you want to eat anything?”

 

Eva groans again. “I’m never eating again.” She takes the water and the Ibux though, then watches as Noora folds some of her clothes on the floor and puts them in a big box. “What are you doing? Still collecting clothes for the refugees?”

 

Noora halts in her movement, looking at the blouse in her hands that she just folded. She seems thoughtful. “Yeah, that,” she says, but after a moment of hesitation, she adds, “I just got so much stuff. And for what? Like, that shirt you’re wearing. Look at it, it’s a nice shirt. But I never wear it because I got all these dresses and skirts and blouses and shorts and – so much pretty stuff, and for what?”

 

It sounds like an actual question, but Noora isn’t looking at Eva; she still seems to consider the blouse. Eva wouldn’t know what to say anyway, though there’s something right about the things Noora said.

 

“Anyway,” Noora finally continues, putting the blouse away and smiling at Eva, “someone else will be very happy about these.”

 

Eva doesn’t know what to say to that either, so she just nods.

 

Then she suddenly remembers something. “Ah shit, I think I lost my phone somewhere.” She can’t remember having it at any point after leaving the party – she just really hopes she didn’t leave it there, because a phone in the hands of one of the Penetrators is a dangerous thing.

 

Noora shakes her head. “Oh no, don’t worry, you gave it to me, remember? Because you had no pockets? I put it on a charger over there.” She points at her desk.

 

Eva sighs in relief. That’s a bullet dodged for sure.

 

Noora smiles. “Are you sure you don’t want breakfast? I’m going to make some toast and eggs.”

 

Eva’s stomach turns at the thought of that, but she still peels herself out of the blankets and follows Noora into the kitchen.

 

She doesn’t manage to eat yet, but sits opposite of Noora and sips on a cup of coffee, clinging to it like it’s the Holy Grail. It makes her feel safe, less on edge about the stuff she’s about to say. She doesn’t have to talk, she knows. Noora keeps on making light conversation, doing most of the talking so that Eva can tend to her hangover in peace. But ever since she woke up again, the words have been piling up inside of her, and she wants them out. She still remembers how easy it felt last night, on the floor of the bathroom, and some of that confidence is still there, somewhere, but it has to get past the layers of nervous energy and internal freaking out.

 

“So…,” she begins slowly. “Last night was wild.”

 

Noora presses her lips together and looks really uncomfortable for a moment, but before Eva knows what to make of it, it’s gone. “It was,” Noora nods.

 

“So, umm.” Eva is not sure how to say this, but she guesses that starting with a simple fact might be the easiest option. “I made out with Vilde. And I don’t remember exactly, but I think I was hitting on you a lot.” She does remember, for the most part, and as she’s talking, more details are coming back to her; about telling Noora that she could kiss her, and staring into her eyes soulfully when they fell asleep next to each other. Her heart does a nervous twitch that’s a mix of fear, excitement, regret, and something that Eva decides to label ‘big gay feelings’ for now.

 

Noora breathes in through her teeth. “Yeah…” she says slowly, and then adds, “and apparently you also hit on Linn. She sent me a confusing text at like, 5 am.”

 

Eva blushes, hiding her face behind her cup. “Well, that one was an accident,” she admits.

 

Noora raises an eyebrow, carefully weighing her words before she asks, “and the rest of it wasn’t?”

 

The kitchen is dead quiet. Eva’s grip around her cup tightens, and she takes a shaky breath, before finally saying, “not really, no.” And because she can trick herself into bravery by just keeping on talking, she hurries to add, “I mean, making out with Vilde was probably not my finest moment, but in that moment it was just the realization like, oh fuck, I like girls, and Vilde is a girl, so…” She wishes she could explain better, but that’s pretty much the only explanation she found herself so far.

 

Noora’s face is unreadable.

 

“So…” Eva repeats again, because the silence is unbearable, and not knowing what Noora thinks is too much.

 

Then finally, slowly, Noora raises her head to look at Eva. She studies Eva’s face carefully, and for a short moment she looks like she wants to ask a question. Instead, she slowly says, “last night, when you asked me why I was so sad… it was about William.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Noora can try to figure out the whole meaning of Eva coming out to her, she has to burn William in the flames first. You know, metaphorically. Mostly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, sorry that it's taking me so long to update this, life is getting in the way constantly. But don't worry, I will not abandon this or you folks, I still got some more gay stuff planned. 
> 
> tw for discussions about W.'s abusive/manipulative/gaslighting behaviour. this is the last one where he matters at all, i promise. From now on it's only going to be the girl squad. cheers! <3

Eva stares at her.

 

Noora sees how Eva stares at her, like she’s an alien, like she’s the world’s shittiest friend, because Noora is pretty sure she is – who starts talking about a boy when someone just came out?? Shitty people, that’s who. Noora can’t help it, she knows the timing is bad, she knows she should say something reassuring first, something kind and nice and validating, but – but. The second Eva said she liked girls, something has been set afire inside Noora. It’s a wild, euphoric feeling, mixed with hope and breathlessness and longing, and it’s a feeling that Noora feels she could burn in and fall to ashes and be reborn. But she can’t have good things, she can never have good things like that, until the truth about William is out, and before she can do, or say, or think anything else, she has to do it. Burn William in the flames first, get him out of her system, before she can let herself catch fire.

 

“The truth is,” she puts one word after the other, unsure which to choose next, because words don’t seem strong enough to describe what happened. “I think he was trying to, I don’t know. Own me maybe? I couldn’t talk about it, because he was blackmailing me, threatening to hurt Vilde’s feelings, and I couldn’t let him do that to my friend. And somehow, it gave him more power, and he always seemed to know what to say to make me play along. It was fucked up. I was scared. I am scared of him, because he made me do things I didn’t want to do, like lying to my friends, like going on a fucking date with him. And I thought that could never happen to me again, and that I’m too strong now or some bullshit, but I let him get into my head. I –“ and that’s when Noora realizes she has started crying, and she’s angry about that, so fucking angry – she doesn’t want to cry, she wants to spit and shout and scream, but it comes out in a whisper when she finishes, “I stopped wearing lipstick because I was afraid he’d think I was doing it for him.”

 

She buries her face in her hands and cries, and for a moment, she feels just as helpless as all the times before. It’s not until she feels Eva’s arms around her from behind, Eva’s warm body for Noora to lean her head against, that Noora feels something shift inside of her: With every breath she takes, every time her chest rises, a knot in her gets untwisted, a dark, heavy mass leaves her body.

 

Just like the night before, talking about all this makes her feel more vulnerable and raw, but also so much stronger. Eva’s arms around her shoulders steady her. After a few moments, Noora is able to breathe again.

 

“I had no idea, I’m so sorry,” Eva murmurs and rocks her gently from side to side. Actually, no, Noora realizes, she’s rocking herself, and Eva just follows her movements.

 

Noora shakes her head, lowers her hands from her face to hold on to Eva’s arms. “I should have told you before.” Eva is so warm and real behind her, Noora could fall right into her.

 

“It’s okay,” Eva says, kissing Noora’s hair. “I’m sorry he made you feel like you couldn’t talk about it. But I’m here for you now, we all are, and we’re going to fix this. It’s going to be okay.”

 

Noora nods, because it’s true: now it’s going to be okay. Somehow. One day. And it starts now.

 

“Umm,” she mumbles and tries to hide her face in Eva’s arms, “thanks for telling me about liking girls, I mean – thanks for trusting me with that.”

 

There’s a moment of silence, before Eva hums in something like agreement and says, “Thank you for trusting me with the – well, with this thing.”

 

Noora breathes in the smell of Eva’s skin, which is not the nicest after a night of drinking and partying, admittedly, but who the fuck cares, it’s Eva holding her, and Noora is going to embrace this moment no matter what.

 

“Also,” Eva continues, “I’m sorry that asshole is the reason you’re not wearing lipstick anymore.”

 

Noora is glad that Eva didn’t say his name. She much rather prefers to call him ‘asshole’ herself. “It looks better on you anyway,” she shrugs, because her feelings about the lipstick are still complicated, and she doesn’t know if she would want to wear it again anyway.

 

Eva gasps dramatically. “That’s a lie and you know it!” she exclaims.

 

It makes Noora laugh. “Maybe,” she grins into Eva’s elbow. The light hair on Eva’s arms makes Noora’s nose tickle.

 

“But,” Eva continues more quietly, “You didn’t like the way it looked on Vilde.”

 

It’s somewhere between a statement and a question, and it takes a few heartbeats before Noora feels daring enough to reply to it. “No, I didn’t.”

 

“So… ” and that’s when Noora can feel Eva’s eyes on her, but she doesn’t turn her head to look back at Eva, “… you were jealous.”

 

Again, Noora hides her face in Eva’s arms before she grins and mumbles, “maybe.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noora and Eva on the bed cuddling, watching X-Files together (probably both swooning over Scully)? Noora serenading Eva with the gayest song ever written? Eva being unable to take her eyes off of Noora's beautiful smile? That's just gals being pals, obviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> friends, folks, lovelies - I have never felt as gay as I did when I wrote that chapter. I hope I could make that come across, because it's really, really important you all know how fucking gay I want these two to be. 
> 
> Also, thanks @Kit for giving me the headcanon of Noora singing that song for Eva because dude, that killed me. So, obviously, I HAD to write it.

From then on, it’s all like a dream to Eva.

 

She doesn’t dare to push it any further – Noora’s jealousy, and how right she felt in Eva’s arms, and all the unspoken things between them – not yet. Everything seems too new and too soft. But she also can’t keep her eyes away from Noora, or keep herself from smiling. She can’t ignore the spark between them every time her eyes meet Noora’s, or keep her heart from beating louder.

 

Noora says she doesn’t want to be alone right now and asks Eva to stay, so Eva cancels all her plans for the day with a few short texts.

 

They get back into bed and put on the X-Files. It’s not like they need to sit that close, not like they usually have to at movie nights with the squad, but they somehow end up pressed against each other from shoulder to toes anyway, legs entangled.

 

“That okay?” Eva asks when she puts her head on Noora’s shoulder, and Noora’s smile when she nods yes is the most beautiful thing. Eva falls asleep right there, breathing in Noora’s warmth.

 

When she wakes up again much later, it’s to the gentle sound of a guitar.

 

Noora sits on the floor, the instrument resting on her crossed legs, completely absorbed in her music. Eva isn’t sure if Noora is playing an actual song or just some random chords, but either way, it’s so beautiful that it makes Eva feel like crying.

 

She swallows, before she says, “you never play for us.” Noora always said no when the girl squad asked her to play something for them.

 

Noora looks up, her eyes coming back from somewhere far away. She smiles. “Well, I’m playing for you now.” There’s something shy about her that makes Eva’s heart ache in a good way.

 

Eva moves to the edge of the bed to be closer to Noora, rolling over to lie on her stomach. She lets an arm dangle from the bed; if she reached out now, she could touch Noora’s knee.

 

“Will you play me a song?” she asks.

 

For a moment, she’s afraid that she’s pushing it too far, but then Noora begins to play. Eva recognizes the song after a few chords, it’s “More Than Words” by Extreme. She knows that’s one of Noora’s favorite songs, because Noora put it on a playlist she made for her, just after Eva’s breakup with Jonas.

 

“But why aren’t you singing?” Eva asks after a while. She shouldn’t be that greedy, she knows; she should embrace the fact that Noora is playing for her at all. But she can’t help it, because ever since Noora first sang to her, she craves that voice.

 

Noora keeps on playing while she shakes her head. “Maybe another time,” she replies. Then, hesitating for a moment, she quietly adds, “it’s not your song.”

 

It seems so meaningful and heavy that Eva forgets to breathe for a moment. When she catches her breath, she carefully asks, “what is my song then?”

 

Noora stops playing.

 

It takes a while before she raises her head to look at Eva. She studies Eva’s face for a long time before she takes a deep breath and nods. “Okay,” she mumbles to herself, rearranges her fingers and begins to play.

 

It hits Eva like a ton of bricks; she recognizes the song immediately and fuck yes, this is her song. It feels so right, like nothing else in her life has felt before, and Noora’s voice sends chills up and down her spine, like electricity. Everything else fades away, and Eva is torn between closing her eyes and looking at Noora forever.

 

_“My lover's got humour_

_She's the giggle at a funeral_

_Knows everybody's disapproval_

_I should've worshipped her sooner_

 

_If the heavens ever did speak_

_She's the last true mouthpiece_

_Every Sunday's getting more bleak_

_A fresh poison each week_

 

_We were born sick_

_You heard them say it_ _”_

 

This, Eva thinks. This is what being gay feels like.

 

_“My church offers no absolutes_

_She tells me worship in the bedroom_

_The only heaven I'll be sent to_

_Is when I'm alone with you_

_I was born sick, but I love it_

_Command me to be well_

_Amen, Amen, Amen”_

 

Everything is so clear suddenly. Listening to Noora, Eva doesn’t understand how she could ever have not known. Looking at Noora, the way her hair falls in her eyes, her lips form those words and make them sound like a real prayer… it’s a revelation.

 

_“Take me to church_

_I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies_

_I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife_

_Offer me that deathless death_

_Good God, let me give you my life”_

 

By the time Noora finishes the song, Eva feels like she’s shaking all over, bursting out of her own skin. She doesn’t know what to say, overwhelmed by the urge to reach out and pull Noora closer, to kiss her, but too stunned to move.

 

Noora doesn’t look up for a long time.

 

When she finally does, her eyes are a mystery: dark, and heavy, and full of fear. Whatever she sees when her eyes meet Eva’s makes her lower her gaze again.

 

That’s when Eva’s phone vibrates on the desk. The sound is almost violent, a harsh drilling noise against the wood, tearing Eva out of the moment and back into reality. She jumps up and grabs the phone. There’s a bunch of messages and a missed call from Sana; she reads Sana’s texts.

_“hey, did you guys get home okay last night? is noora okay?”_

_“did noora talk to you? are you still with her?”_

_“answer your damn phone, you’re making us worried”_

_“EVA!!!!!!!”_

_“oh okay noora finally replied. you’re still getting your ass kicked for that. also, vilde asked us to go to a bakka party with her and told me to ask you idk what’s going on with her she’s acting weird”_

_“whoops she also just told me I shouldn’t have told you she was the one who asked you to come. idk idk you coming?”_

 

Eva has no idea how she could have missed the first few messages and the call, but she hurries to reply; it’s never wise to make Sana angry, she knows that.

 

_“Sorry sorry sorry sorry”_ she writes, and adds a few emojis for good measure. Then she looks up at Noora. “Sana invited us to a party. Well, apparently Vilde did, but – anyway, do you want to go?”

 

Noora puts her guitar away and shrugs. “Yeah, I know. They both asked me, too, but… I don’t know. I don’t really feel like it. I think I’d rather stay here and watch some more X-Files.” She bites her lips and shrugs again before she adds, “but like, if you wanna go, I don’t mind. I appreciate you staying with me and all, but I’ll be fine.”

 

“Oh.” Eva is a bit taken aback. In her mind it was clear that they’d be either going together or staying here together – the option of her going alone didn’t even occur to her.

 

“I, uhh, I was thinking…” She doesn’t know how to say this. “I thought, if you don’t mind, I’d stay a little longer? I’d definitely rather watch X-Files as well. I mean, if you don’t mind. But if you rather want to be alone, I could, uhh –“

 

Noora rapidly shakes her head. “No no no, you can definitely stay if you want to! But you don’t have to, it’s…” She tilts her head, looking at Eva through squinted eyes.

 

Eva makes her voice certain and warm when she says, “I would really like to stay.” For a moment, she feels like she could add, ‘and I would really like to kiss you’, but then the phone in her hand reminds her that she still has to reply to Sana.

 

She quickly adds, _“thanks for the invite, but we’re going to stay home tonight.”_

 

Only seconds after sending the message, Sana’s reply is there. _“ok, ass-kicking postponed to monday then.”_

 

Noora is already making herself comfortable on the bed and putting on the next X-Files episode, and Eva is just about to join her again, when her phone buzzes once more.

 

_“hold on, you said ‘we’? Does that mean you’re still with noora?”_

 

Eva blushes. She considers not replying for a moment, realizes that Sana is already going to torture her for ignoring her texts all day, and then quickly writes, _“yeah”_ , adding the most innocent looking emoji she can find.

 

“Are you coming?” Noora asks, so Eva sighs, puts her phone on the nightstand, and joins Noora on the bed.

 

They’re not even trying to keep any distance between them; Noora immediately cuddles up to Eva’s side, leaving Eva to keep the laptop on her lap this time. Noora sighs happily as the episode begins, and Eva, barely able to focus, tries to come up with a way to take the next step in this whole situation. Her phone vibrates on the nightstand, and out of the corner of her eye, she can read Sana’s reply.

 

_“hmm……. interesting…..”_

 

Sana has always been too damn clever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *A Great Big World's "Everyone Is Gay" playing softly in the distance* (this sentence contains two lies, one is "in the distance" and the other is "softly". The time for subtlety is over my guys, the gay is about to hit y'all with a sledgehammer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm?????? so fucking sorry for abandoning this fic idk what happened there, probably the usual adhd brain shit, i'm sorry, you folks deserved better, and so did noora and eva and sana and chris and vilde, soooo.... idk what to say.
> 
> I'm updating now because I missed this fic and I started reading it, and then i realized I never posted this whole chapter I'd written, and honestly?? I'm not sure if I'll ever finish this, but the least I can do is to give you this chapter because I fucking love it. so there you go.

Lying this close to Eva, watching the adventures of Mulder chasing a shape-shifting alien and Scully rolling her eyes at him, Noora feels conflicted. She’s calm, but ready to explode at any second; she’s content, but wishes something would finally happen, something that would finally give her the courage to act on the mess of feelings in her heart.

 

She wishes this moment would never end, but she can’t wait to see what the next moment brings for them. It’s unnerving.

 

The next moment, when it finally comes, is very different from all the versions Noora has come up with in her head: between debating if she should say something, and if so, what she should say to Eva, and trying to figure out how she could get away with wrapping an arm around Eva’s middle, Eva’s phone begins to vibrate.

 

Eva startles, and when they both look at the caller ID, Noora’s hope that they could maybe just ignore the call goes out the window: it’s Sana.

 

Eva pauses the episode, puts the laptop aside and looks at Noora. “She’s going to kill me if I don’t take that,” she whispers apologetically. Then she picks up.

 

Noora can only follow the conversation from Eva’s side of the call, but Eva goes from a cheerful “hey girl, what’s up?” to a very quiet “oh, okay,” and silent listening alarmingly fast. Noora holds her breath, trying to make out anything Sana says, but Eva’s phone is too quiet and Sana is talking too fast.

 

When Eva hangs up only moments later, she’s frowning.

 

“What?” Noora asks nervously. She doesn’t like that serious look on Eva’s face.

 

Eva purses her lips, then she says, “uhh, I’m not sure what’s going on exactly, but it looks like we have to go to that party after all.”

 

Noora can’t follow. “What? Why?”

 

Eva sits up, looking around the room. “Well, apparently Vilde had something like a breakdown there, and now she locked herself in the bathroom and won’t come out again. Sana says she needs our help.”

 

As much as Noora wishes she could just stay in her little bubble with Eva forever, there’s no point. Of course they’re going to go and help Vilde; that’s what they do. Noora isn’t big into the whole russ bus thing, but these girls are her friends now, and if her friend locks herself into a bathroom at a party, well, she’ll be damned if she’s not dropping everything to be there for her.

 

They both get dressed; Eva can’t put on her dress from the night before because it smells awfully, so instead she borrows a pair of yoga pants from Linn. She keeps Noora’s shirt on, which gives Noora a series of complicated feelings, but Noora tries not to dwell on them right now; there are more important things.

 

When they arrive at the party, Chris is waiting for them outside.

 

“Oh thank God you’re here!” she exclaims, grabs their arms and drags them through the crowd to the bathroom. Noora notices some dark smudges on Chris’s neck and behind her ears that look like leopard print makeup, which doesn’t really make sense, but she decides that’s a mystery to solve another time.

 

On their way across the dance floor, Chris explains, “Vilde has been in there for almost an hour now. She got hardcore drunk before, and then tried to make out with some dudes. And she keeps on crying that she’s not a lesbian, it’s … well, see for yourselves.” She has to shout for Noora and Eva to hear her over the music and the noises of the crowd.

 

When they finally reach the bathroom though, they can hear Vilde’s sobs from feet away without a problem. Noora didn’t think anyone could cry that loudly and dramatically, aside from girls in bad 90’s rom coms maybe, but then again, it’s Vilde.

 

Sana is sitting in front of the locked door, talking calmly to Vilde. She looks up when they reach her, and then softly knocks on the door. “Hey Vilde, Noora and Eva are here now. Do you wanna open the door so we can talk to you?”

 

Vilde actually goes quiet then.

 

“Eva?” she asks after a few moments, her voice sounding teary. “What is Eva doing here? She hates me! I defiled her!” She starts sobbing again immediately.

 

Noora and the others exchange confused looks.

 

‘Defiled?’ Chris mouths at Eva.

 

Eva shrugs; she looks kind of lost. Eventually, she steps closer to the door and says, “Vilde, it’s me, Eva. I don’t hate you, I swear. Whatever it is you got in your head, that’s bullshit.” She frowns, apparently regretting her choice of words. “What I mean is,” she continues, “we’re your friends, and we’re all here for you, so can you please let us in so we can help you figure this out?”

 

There’s a long pause.

 

Eva turns back to the others, a questioning look on her face that seems to ask, ‘did I do okay?’

 

Noora smiles at her reassuringly. Then they all wait.

 

Finally, they hear the door unlock.

 

Vilde’s makeup is so smudged it almost looks comical. Vilde herself looks like a mess; her dress is rumpled, her braided hair is barely in its place, her eyes are red and small, like she’s really tired.

 

She sits back on the bathroom floor, leaning against a bathtub, so the other girls shuffle in, arranging themselves around Vilde in that small space. Chris sits down on Vilde’s left, putting an arm around her, and Vilde immediately leans into her. Eva sits on her right, keeping a careful distance because Vilde still flinches away from her. Sana sits down on the edge of the bathtub, which leaves Noora. After looking around the cramped space, Noora decides to sit down on the toilet lid. Not the most comfortable place, but it works.

 

None of them know what to say, apparently. They all exchange looks, trying to figure out who should say something first, but before they come to any non-verbal conclusion, Vilde closes her eyes and whispers, “does anyone have pop music on their phone?”

 

They look at each other in confusion.

 

“What?” Eva asks.

 

“Pop music,” Vilde repeats, eyes still closed. “One Direction, Taylor Swift, anything?”

 

Noora is still confused, and Eva and Sana seem to be as well, but Chris apparently knows what’s up. “It’s her thing,” she explains. “Makes her feel empowered she says.” When still no one is moving, she waves her hand around. “Come on, this is serious! And I only got opera and dubstep on my phone, so do something! Anyone?”

 

Noora shuffles for her phone in her jacket pocket. “I, uhh… It’s not much, but will Alessia Cara work?” It’s really only one song, but it’s better than nothing probably. She’s pretty sure none of them have Taylor Swift on their phone.

 

Vilde nods.

 

Noora has to scroll a bit through her phone to find it, but once the music begins to fill the tiny room, Vilde relaxes visibly.

 

“Okay, boo,” Chris says softly after a while. “Will you tell us now what’s up?”

 

Vilde sniffs, her eyes still closed. She hides her face in Chris’s hoodie, before she begins to mumble something about still liking guys and “everybody says so” and “Katy Perry can do it without being gay, so why can’t I?”

 

Noora can only make out half of it, it’s too muffled by the sweater.

 

Eva looks at the others and points at herself, mouthing ‘should I try?’.

 

When Sana and Noora nod, Eva clears her throat and speaks. “Listen, Vilde. We’re all here for you, no matter what. You know that, right?”

 

Vilde nods timidly, so Eva continues. “We all understand that this is difficult for you, so we’re going to help you figure things out as much as we can. And if you end up deciding that you like boys _and_ girls–”

 

“ – or maybe other genders, too!” Chris adds, but that just makes Vilde sob again like she’s completely overwhelmed, so Chris pulls a face, bites her lips, and shrugs.

 

“Maybe keep that for another time,” Sana whispers and pats Chris’s shoulder. Chris nods.

 

“Well…” Eva continues. “No matter what you decide, it’s all fine. We support you all the way.”

 

Vilde’s voice is small when she finally says, “but I’ve made out with guys before. I like boys. But…” and her voice is nothing more than a whisper into Chris’s shoulder when she ends, “… girls are so wonderful.”

 

Eva nods and pats Vilde’s leg, and this time Vilde doesn’t flinch away. Sana whispers “preach” under her breath, but maybe Noora just misheard her. There’s a lot of things going on in Noora’s head right now, but she pushes it all aside. This is not about her, she reminds herself; it’s about helping Vilde.

 

They all let Vilde cry a bit then, but it’s a softer noise now, nothing like the choked, violent sobbing from before. The music fills the silence so it doesn’t get awkward, and Noora realizes that the song is apparently on repeat. She can’t listen to the lyrics too intently, it always makes her emotional in ways that are almost embarrassing to her; but she’s got that song on her phone for a reason, and she’s sure it helps Vilde as much as it has helped herself in the past.

 

After a while, Eva says, “listen, Vilde. Making out with guys before only matters if you want it to. If you don’t, well, then it’s history. See, just because I was with Jonas before, doesn’t mean I’m any less–” Her eyes widen as she realizes what she’s saying.

 

Noora holds her breath. She watches as Eva’s face goes from realization to panic to thoughtful, then finally to something that looks like ‘meh’, in a matter of seconds. Then Eva finishes, “it doesn’t make me any less gay.”

 

That’s when Vilde finally raises her head. She stares at Eva, wide-eyed.

 

Noora stares, too. What she feels could best be described as ‘exploding into fireworks’.

 

“Oh my God,” Vilde whispers, sounding almost like she’s in awe. “You too?” She stares at the other girls. “Did you know about this?”

 

Chris is the first to reply, “heck no, but high five, bro!”

 

She raises her hand over Vilde’s head, and Eva high fives her with a wobbly grin. “Welcome to the queer club, buddy,” Chris cheers.

 

Vilde’s eyes get even wider as she stares at Chris.

 

Chris stares back. “What the fuck, dude. You know this. You all know this.” She looks around, confused and frowning.

 

Everyone stays quiet.

 

Noora is sure she’s losing track of what exactly is happening.

 

Chris continues to stare at them. “Oh my God,” she says, her voice low with exasperation. “Oh my God. I asked you guys to go to Oslo Pride with me. I’m wearing a binder half of the time. I own a fucking t-shirt that says ‘queer af’, with a rainbow shitting unicorn on it. How the fuck did you not know?!”

 

Sana puts her hand – was that on Chris’s shoulder that whole time? – in Chris’s neck, a calming gesture. “To be fair,” she says, “the writing on that shirt is rather small, and the unicorn is pretty distracting.”

 

If Noora thinks about it, it does make sense. Actually, it makes no sense at all that she never considered it before, but she guesses she was just always too busy with her own stuff to notice.

 

Vilde’s deer-in-the-headlights look is beginning to look almost cartoonish, and Noora has to try hard not to laugh.

 

Her laughter is chocked anyway when Sana casually adds, “oh yeah, I think we should have told them that we’re dating. That would have given it away.”

 

Now, Noora definitely loses track of what on earth is going on.

 

And apparently, so is anyone else. Most of all, Vilde. “Oh my God,” she keeps on whispering, “Oh my God. Everyone is gay.”

 

“Well,” Chris crunches her face in protest, “I’m more like, pan? I guess? But I’m not into labels, and don’t even get me started on genders, ugh.” She shudders and turns her face into a disgusted grimace.

 

“Also, I’m bi,” Sana says.

 

Vilde stares at her. Sana smirks and shrugs; she looks very pleased with herself.

 

“Oh my God,” Vilde says again. “Oh my – is no one straight here?”

 

Suddenly, all eyes are on Noora, and she realizes that she’s the only one who hasn’t said anything on the matter. And what the fuck, this is long overdue anyway, and it’s not like she ever made a secret out of it, but she never said it out loud to any of the girls either, and Eva looks at her with so much hope in her eyes that Noora feels like she could melt, so fuck it.

 

“Don’t look at me,” she says and smiles sheepishly. “I’m a huge lesbian.”


End file.
